God. "Meet the Teacher Night" at school. Another night of sitting elbow-to-elbow with the private school crowd. The petite women with their perfect coiffs, perfume, painted lips and annoying kewpie doll mouths. And their husbands with their chinos and executive haircuts. They came in their Expeditions and Navigators, with their matching his-and-her cell phones clipped to their belts and purse straps to ensure that everyone could see them. Then they proceeded to park on the grass, the handicapped spaces and the fire lanes just to avoid the 40-second walk from the back parking lot.

It's been a considerable time since I've experienced carnal knowledge of a woman. Several times lately I've found myself getting aroused looking at a Barbie doll. Yet, I looked around that classroom tonight at those women and found nothing appealing. Hell, I'd probably just break their damn hair anyway.